What Are You Looking At?!?!

It is so exciting when you hit a goal.  Whether it is finishing a project at work, getting a good grade in school, or running your first marathon.  Goals accomplished are truly inspiring and fulfilling!

As I write this, I have reached my weight loss goal.  No diets.  No denying.  No excessive workouts.  With balance as a new focus in my life, I lost a total of 25 pounds.  I tried every diet and fitness fad there is—from P90X to Slimfast, Atkins shakes to a personal trainer.  What I finally realized is that the pressure I had on myself in these fitness routines and the amount of food I denied myself in these diets was what caused weight gain, not weight loss.  There was no balance, just overwhelming obsession.

After all is said and done, and I have celebrated a victory, I know there is still so much further to go.  Sure, the physical goal has been achieved but what about mental?

Struggling with body confidence is like an iceberg (isn’t everything?!) and the tip of the iceberg is how I actually look without my deformed filter.  Sure, that matters a certain amount.  However, the rest of the iceberg, the biggest portion of it, unseen under the water, is what I think I look like or what I “see” using my filter.

Having lost 25 pounds, you would think I would see a large difference in the mirror, and there is ample evidence to support that weight has been lost (I needed extra holes added to my belt buckle and most of my work clothes don’t fit anymore).  However, when I look in the mirror, I don’t see much of a difference.  Looks about the same.

Why is that?

Well, that is because my mind is fucked up when it comes to body image and confidence in said body.  It has taken up a larger part of my brain than I would like.  Whereas I have come a long way in not focusing energy on calories or whether I missed a workout, I am still overly focused on the image I am left with.

I have a defensive shield.  Whenever someone tells me “you look great” or my boyfriend says, “You look hot,” those comments are deflected off the shield and never actually reach me.  No matter how honest you may be, it does not compute within my brain as honesty.  With my shield I can deflect almost anything—She feels bad for me so she is giving me a compliment.  He doesn’t know what else to say so he is saying nice things to you.  He knows he can’t say you’re fat, so he lies.
Damn you, inner monologue!

This shield even deflects self-love and body confidence I give myself.  I can look in the mirror in a new dress or even a bathing suit and think that I like what I see, but that other bitchy voice will talk back real quickly.  You think you look good, but you are just having a good body day.  The lighting in this dressing room is really flattering.  You look great standing alone, but compared to everyone else, not so much.
Deflect!

Living with this much body image struggle is frustrating, but it is also selfish.  I am so focused on what I look like, how other people are commenting on my weight, how I see myself.  There is no room for anyone else in there.  No room for other thoughts and feelings. It is necessary to get out of my head and spend much less energy on eating a piece of cake but feeling like I have to say I am going to the gym later so no one judges me.  I am tired of this deflecting.  Time to deactivate the shield, even if it takes a while to fully neutralize.

A few weeks ago I created what I am calling a “Sassy Mix.”  An exclusively woman, confident, I’m fly as fuck, attitude-filled playlist.  Most of the artists on this list are not usually in my repertoire, but sometimes you need something to shake things up.

If there was ever a time to share this playlist, it would probably be with this post.