My Fake Plastic Love

I would not call myself a big Radiohead fan. I would not call myself a Radiohead fan. I would not say I listen to them or have ever listened to them—because I haven’t.  I recognize and understand them, at a great distance, as a great band that has made decades of influential music, but I have never had a direct interaction with them. I have a friend who explained how she finally understood the immense genius that is Radiohead. She had listened to one of their albums over and over again and nothing really took. She just didn’t get what all the fuss was about.  Then one day, she was walking through the cold winter streets of Chicago with Radiohead playing on her headphones as a soundtrack to her daily commute and that is when it hit her.  She got it! That is how music has to grab you.  You have to be open to it and the timing has to be right.  People often recommend music to me and more often than not, I don’t listen to it (sorry).  At least, I don’t listen to it right when they recommend it.  That’s because I have to find it.  It has to fit, like a puzzle piece, into my life.  My feelings and the feelings of the music have to integrate.
 I only recognize “Fake Plastic Trees” from films.  I never heard the song independent of other media.  But, I experienced it free of outside influence this week. I was in a yoga class, relaxing at the end of class as you are supposed to do.  The instructor had been playing music throughout the class, mostly atmospheric, calming background music.  But, at this point, he played “Fake Plastic Trees.” First I thought, what a great choice.  How different and unique. Then it hit me. The vocals and sadness in Yorke’s voice, the music itself. And I suddenly felt such strain in my heart. Like the song went into my chest and just squeezed tightly. I felt such longing for love and to be with someone I loved that tears started welling up. I could never make this up. So what did I do?  I just let these feelings wash over me. I think that is often the idea of mediation and yoga--to have a chance to feel these feelings you don't give yourself a chance to feel all day, all week, whatever.  Some emotions I had been feeling over the last few weeks, some full of love and some full of other things, hit me just then during “Fake Plastic Trees.” As I lay there, feeling, I realized that I was in a yoga class, with other people that probably weren't having an emotional meltdown. It's not like I could shake one of my classmates by the shoulders with tears running down my face screaming, "It does wear her out. It wears me out!  Oh holy fucking Hell what is life!?!?!" So I lay there and sucked my tears back and focused on stretching and whatever else I could to distract my heart. As I continued my emotional journey with “Fake Plastic Trees” on my subway ride home, a man went to pass me as he existed the subway train and he winked at me. And in my emotional state, I smiled back. No dirty look, no shrug or cold shoulder, no flicking him off.  I was too weak to push away this slight sign of affection (perverted or not).My moody Radiohead journey has continued over the last 48 hours.  I have listened to all of Kid A, most of Hail to the Thief and random selections from Ok Computer and A Moon Shaped Pool.  There are many bands out there that make your problems feel covered in sprinkles. It's all good, friend. Just shake your ass and it will all be fine.  From what I have gathered, Radiohead makes you feel those deep feelings that you may or may not want to feel. Radiohead is the yah-it’s-not-always-easy-being-an-adult-and-it’s-perfectly-normal-to-have-an-emotional-breakdown-in-a-yoga-class-on-a-Monday-type music.