You Don't Scare Me . . . No, Seriously, You Don't

One band that has come up a lot on random Metal websites, Metal memes, and music suggestions on Spotify is Ghost B.C.   They are a Swedish band that is most recognizable by the lead singer usually dressed as a satanic pope, adorning skull face paint.  I have seen many photos of them, and when I saw “Swedish Heavy Metal” I was like, how gruesome and hedonistic.  Lets go for it!

I started streaming their music by clicking on a random song, “Cirice.”  Well, I got to say, not what I expected.  The song sounded like Blue Oyster Cult with heavy base, except it wasn’t  “heavy” at all.  The lead singer, who I thought would have the voice of a tempting evil demon, sounded like a whiny teenager who wouldn’t talk at the dinner table to his overbearing parents.

I tried another song, “Square Hammer.”  Well, this song sounded more like a 60s protest song with a little guitar and drums hanging out in the background.

Hmmm . . .

Then I tried “He Is” which just reminded me of a Christian song, praising the Lord and such (which is fine but I guess not what I would expect from a band that praised Lucifer a few tracks before).

All in all, I get very excited when finding a new band to love but Ghost B.C. is not one of them.  I don’t know if it is because they are from Sweden that we are stupid enough to think, it must be Metal, but there is really nothing Metal about them.

That being said, let’s move on and just say they are not Metal.  Are they any good?  Great question!

No; no they are not.  I get the vibe that they are trying to be unique by mimicking the Catholic Church choir style with a heavy twist but it doesn’t work.  In “Year Zero,” the song starts with lyrical synonyms for Satan and goes on to discuss the takeover of humanity by the Devil and how “he will tremble the nations.”  Sounds scary, right?  Not at all.   You could play this song at your daughter’s 5^th birthday party and no one would notice.

I don’t want you to get the wrong idea.  I don’t look for scary music that threatens the survival of life as we know it.  BUT, when you put yourself out there as a frightening Anti-Christ Swedish Heavy Metal entity—I expect a little more from you.  I feel no emotion towards Ghost B.C.  other than disappointment.

I cannot, in good conscious, recommend Ghost B.C. as a Metal band or as a band that plays well-orchestrated music.  So, when you see their photo next time, just remember that the wizard behind the curtain is a pathetic excuse for rock and roll.

My Fake Plastic Love

I would not call myself a big Radiohead fan. I would not call myself a Radiohead fan. I would not say I listen to them or have ever listened to them—because I haven’t.  I recognize and understand them, at a great distance, as a great band that has made decades of influential music, but I have never had a direct interaction with them. I have a friend who explained how she finally understood the immense genius that is Radiohead. She had listened to one of their albums over and over again and nothing really took. She just didn’t get what all the fuss was about.  Then one day, she was walking through the cold winter streets of Chicago with Radiohead playing on her headphones as a soundtrack to her daily commute and that is when it hit her.  She got it! That is how music has to grab you.  You have to be open to it and the timing has to be right.  People often recommend music to me and more often than not, I don’t listen to it (sorry).  At least, I don’t listen to it right when they recommend it.  That’s because I have to find it.  It has to fit, like a puzzle piece, into my life.  My feelings and the feelings of the music have to integrate.
 I only recognize “Fake Plastic Trees” from films.  I never heard the song independent of other media.  But, I experienced it free of outside influence this week. I was in a yoga class, relaxing at the end of class as you are supposed to do.  The instructor had been playing music throughout the class, mostly atmospheric, calming background music.  But, at this point, he played “Fake Plastic Trees.” First I thought, what a great choice.  How different and unique. Then it hit me. The vocals and sadness in Yorke’s voice, the music itself. And I suddenly felt such strain in my heart. Like the song went into my chest and just squeezed tightly. I felt such longing for love and to be with someone I loved that tears started welling up. I could never make this up. So what did I do?  I just let these feelings wash over me. I think that is often the idea of mediation and yoga--to have a chance to feel these feelings you don't give yourself a chance to feel all day, all week, whatever.  Some emotions I had been feeling over the last few weeks, some full of love and some full of other things, hit me just then during “Fake Plastic Trees.” As I lay there, feeling, I realized that I was in a yoga class, with other people that probably weren't having an emotional meltdown. It's not like I could shake one of my classmates by the shoulders with tears running down my face screaming, "It does wear her out. It wears me out!  Oh holy fucking Hell what is life!?!?!" So I lay there and sucked my tears back and focused on stretching and whatever else I could to distract my heart. As I continued my emotional journey with “Fake Plastic Trees” on my subway ride home, a man went to pass me as he existed the subway train and he winked at me. And in my emotional state, I smiled back. No dirty look, no shrug or cold shoulder, no flicking him off.  I was too weak to push away this slight sign of affection (perverted or not).My moody Radiohead journey has continued over the last 48 hours.  I have listened to all of Kid A, most of Hail to the Thief and random selections from Ok Computer and A Moon Shaped Pool.  There are many bands out there that make your problems feel covered in sprinkles. It's all good, friend. Just shake your ass and it will all be fine.  From what I have gathered, Radiohead makes you feel those deep feelings that you may or may not want to feel. Radiohead is the yah-it’s-not-always-easy-being-an-adult-and-it’s-perfectly-normal-to-have-an-emotional-breakdown-in-a-yoga-class-on-a-Monday-type music.

What Are You Looking At?!?!

It is so exciting when you hit a goal.  Whether it is finishing a project at work, getting a good grade in school, or running your first marathon.  Goals accomplished are truly inspiring and fulfilling!

As I write this, I have reached my weight loss goal.  No diets.  No denying.  No excessive workouts.  With balance as a new focus in my life, I lost a total of 25 pounds.  I tried every diet and fitness fad there is—from P90X to Slimfast, Atkins shakes to a personal trainer.  What I finally realized is that the pressure I had on myself in these fitness routines and the amount of food I denied myself in these diets was what caused weight gain, not weight loss.  There was no balance, just overwhelming obsession.

After all is said and done, and I have celebrated a victory, I know there is still so much further to go.  Sure, the physical goal has been achieved but what about mental?

Struggling with body confidence is like an iceberg (isn’t everything?!) and the tip of the iceberg is how I actually look without my deformed filter.  Sure, that matters a certain amount.  However, the rest of the iceberg, the biggest portion of it, unseen under the water, is what I think I look like or what I “see” using my filter.

Having lost 25 pounds, you would think I would see a large difference in the mirror, and there is ample evidence to support that weight has been lost (I needed extra holes added to my belt buckle and most of my work clothes don’t fit anymore).  However, when I look in the mirror, I don’t see much of a difference.  Looks about the same.

Why is that?

Well, that is because my mind is fucked up when it comes to body image and confidence in said body.  It has taken up a larger part of my brain than I would like.  Whereas I have come a long way in not focusing energy on calories or whether I missed a workout, I am still overly focused on the image I am left with.

I have a defensive shield.  Whenever someone tells me “you look great” or my boyfriend says, “You look hot,” those comments are deflected off the shield and never actually reach me.  No matter how honest you may be, it does not compute within my brain as honesty.  With my shield I can deflect almost anything—She feels bad for me so she is giving me a compliment.  He doesn’t know what else to say so he is saying nice things to you.  He knows he can’t say you’re fat, so he lies.
Damn you, inner monologue!

This shield even deflects self-love and body confidence I give myself.  I can look in the mirror in a new dress or even a bathing suit and think that I like what I see, but that other bitchy voice will talk back real quickly.  You think you look good, but you are just having a good body day.  The lighting in this dressing room is really flattering.  You look great standing alone, but compared to everyone else, not so much.
Deflect!

Living with this much body image struggle is frustrating, but it is also selfish.  I am so focused on what I look like, how other people are commenting on my weight, how I see myself.  There is no room for anyone else in there.  No room for other thoughts and feelings. It is necessary to get out of my head and spend much less energy on eating a piece of cake but feeling like I have to say I am going to the gym later so no one judges me.  I am tired of this deflecting.  Time to deactivate the shield, even if it takes a while to fully neutralize.

A few weeks ago I created what I am calling a “Sassy Mix.”  An exclusively woman, confident, I’m fly as fuck, attitude-filled playlist.  Most of the artists on this list are not usually in my repertoire, but sometimes you need something to shake things up.

If there was ever a time to share this playlist, it would probably be with this post.

They Got Caught In a Bad Romance

Why is everyone so pissed off about the Metallica/Lady Gaga performance at the Grammy’s last night? 

Well, luckily I have a list of reasons here for your review:

01.  Metallica was not introduced, only Lady Gaga

02.  It was a poor impersonation of the raving teens in Nirvana’s music video “Smells Like Teen Spirit”

03.  Lady Gaga looked more like she was hired to dance than to sing during the performance

04.  Hetfield’s microphone didn’t work

05.  No chemistry between Lady Gaga and any of the members of Metallica

06.  Lady Gaga was the star and Metallica was her backup

07.  Lady Gaga looked like Madonna, not a Metallica metal chick

08.  There was a woman wearing a sweater set in the onstage crowd

09.  There was a man wearing a muscle tank in the onstage crowd

10.  People’s main statement to me after the performance has been “Did you see Lady Gaga? I thought she looked good.”

It is all fine and dandy that Gaga was able to put her haters behind her after people started claiming she had a belly at the Super Bowl, but I really couldn’t give a shit about how she looked.  She was the star of the performance!  And how long has she been around?  Well, her first album dropped in 2008.  Metallica’s first album was released in 1983.   Damn, have some respect for Christ’s sake.  And Gaga, no one has ever danced liked that at a Metallica concert (at least without getting some cash thrown her way).  Stop dancing around like a hooker with turrets and head bang like the rest of them.

I really like Lady Gaga which I stated in my last blog post, but I cannot in good conscience let her off the hook.  I felt like these guys were just her puppets and she was their master . . . .you see what I did there?

I don’t watch the Grammy’s anymore as it focuses much more on the “right now” artists than the  “here for the long-haul” artists. 

And with that, I am happy to find that the Metallica 2017 tour announced today did not include Lady Gaga.  She’s got her own tour and perhaps it is best to keep them separate.

Neutral corners, guys, neutral corners.

Queen Bey or Mother Monster

During my Super Bowl evening this past Sunday, I was asked a very important question.

 “Would you pick Beyonce over Lady Gaga?”

What an awful question to ask me because it puts me in such a horrible position.  Having to chose between two such amazing artists.

I mean, Beyonce has been in my life (meaning in my music library) for so long.  I was listening to Beyonce before I hit high school.  Destiny’s Child was huge!  My friend and I even wrote our own version of “Jumpin’, Jumpin’”:

Ladies leave your pads at home

Your pockets are full of tampons and the bathrooms are gross

Now all you fellas leave your girl with her cramps

‘Cause it’s 11:30 and the club is PMSing, PMSing

Ok, maybe I was immature in middle school but you cannot tell me Weird Al wouldn't love to be able to say he wrote these lyrics!

On the other hand, I traveled to Fort Lauderdale to see Lady Gaga in concert and believe me, she did not disappoint. The woman played the piano with her stiletto heel!

I have been looking through a lot of spreadsheets and numbers lately at work so I decided to take that and apply it to this conundrum.  Please see below my Beyonce/Lady Gaga Chart, rating each artist’s top song in a few important categories, on a scale from 1-10, 10 being the best.  A total possible score of 100.

	Beyonce		Lady Gaga
	Song	Score	Song	Score
Naughty Song	“Partition”	10	“I Like It Rough”	10
Loving Men	“Drunk In Love”	9	“LoveGame”	9
Hating Men	“Sorry”	10	“Swine”	6
Ballad	“I Was Here”	9	“You and I”	8
Anthem	“Run the World (Girls)”	10	“Born This Way”	9
Best Quotable Lyric	“I woke up like this”	10	“I’m just bluffin’ with my muffin”	7
Revenge Song	“Ring the Alarm”	9	“Bad Romance”	10
Love Song	“Halo”	9	“The Edge of Glory”	8
Girls Night Out	“Crazy In Love”	5	“Just Dance”	9
Phone Call Song	“Video Phone”	6	“Telephone”	9
TOTAL SCORE		87		85

I did not add up the scores until I had totally filled out the chart.  This was so I could maybe see if I was completely wrong in my quick response that I gave to this puzzling question during Sunday’s halftime show.  I wanted proof in numbers.  And this is pretty damn on point!

The score was a 2-point difference with Beyonce ending up with the higher score.  And that is correct.  I think both divas have amazing talent.  I have seen both ladies in concert, I have all the albums of both artists, I have t-shirts of both women that I wear pretty regularly and I enjoyed both of their halftime show performances. 

BUT . . . I love Beyonce a little bit more.  I am a little more likely to say “ladies, now lets get in formation” than I am to say “put your paws up.”  And though I think it is great that Lady Gaga has done so much with Tony Bennett, Beyonce had Kendrick Lamar and Jack White on her last album.  I just think I enjoy Beyonce's music, lyrics and overall presence a tiny bit more than Gaga.

So, during Super Bowl LI, when I was asked “would you pick Beyonce over Lady Gaga?” my answer was an unwavering “yes.”