The Shitter Is Full!

We only have two months left in 2017.  November.  December.  All I have to say is halle-FUCKING-lujah!

This year, personally, has been an awful year.  I look back at the last ten months and I don't see a lot to be proud, a lot to feel good about, and a lot of standout joyful memories.  A little bit depressing, but unfortunately, very true.

The world is in a weird place right now.  And I think that trickles down into my own spirit as I live my life.  After 10 months of 2017, I can honestly say that it has been the biggest fucker.  I have used words like “exhausted” and “drained,” more often than I am used to.  Saying things like “I just can’t,” and “people suck,” almost hourly. Even more telling is that I have said things like, “I have nothing more to give,” or “I am at my limit.”  In other words, I am regularly feeling like there is no room for anything else.  Whether it is room for emotions or room for giving a shit about other people, I feel like there is just no give in the space allotted.  Like I said to my therapist, “there is no room at the Inn.”

My bullshit tank is overflowing.  I cannot fit any more bullshit in 2017.  The tank will just rupture.  My filter when faced with immediate bullshit is next to nothing.  I have no resistance to the impulse of telling someone exactly where to put their bullshit.  So, when someone walks by me on the street and bumps into me and then tells me to say excuse me, you know what I do.  I say “YOU say excuse me.”  Because I’m done!  I am done excusing the bullshit I hear and see and face every day.  Someone recently told me that they had no time in their day because they were working constantly.  Then I saw them and heard them with my own ears make a hair and nail appointment.  Is this a prank?  Am I being punked?

This year I have seen it all.  I have seen arguments, job insecurity, sickness, death, financial struggle, disappointment, you name it.  I have heard “hang in there” so much that is it almost laughable.  So when someone is complaining about gaining a pound over the weekend, or not being able to get reservations at a restaurant, I have no response.  Why?  Because there is no more room in the bullshit tank.  I cannot take anymore.  And I am not looking for sympathy or to compete with someone to say my year was worse or anything like that.  We all have our issues and drama.  This is more of a mere warning that I cannot sugar coat my feelings and emotions anymore.  So these next two months people better saddle the FUCK Up!

With an attitude as lighthearted as mine, you are probably wondering what the rest of 2017 looks like.  Well, for the next two months, I envision a lot of forward thinking.  A lot of thinking about what is ahead.  What are my long-term goals, what do I seek in my life, career, etc.?  How can I set myself up to NOT have a year like 2017 again?  I intend to prioritize time with family and friends and also prioritize alone time—time that I can do exactly what I want to do which will probably include cooking, yoga, boxing, and watching the Holiday Baking Championship that starts next Monday on the Food Network.  I plan to set some wheels in motion for amazing things to happen next year. 

I cannot just set up some goals and when New Years roles around, drink some champagne and hope it goes ok (didn’t work).  I need to start making moves on what I want to achieve.  I need to start that now. 

As I look at my 2017 goals/new year’s resolutions, I see that most of them were not accomplished.  I wanted to read more (I am currently reading IT and if I finish it, that will be the only book I completed this year).  I wanted to take a trip/book a trip to another country.  Well, I am still here in ‘Merica and haven’t left since Trump got elected.  I wanted to keep things from frustrating me.  I wanted to be more balanced.  Other than becoming better at headstands, my balance sucks and I tend to be either firing at all ends, exerting all my energy, or exhausted, wishing that the deliveryman had a key so he could open the door and put the food right in front of me.

But, I can start anew.  I can be wiser of what I set out to do and have a positive outlook for the future.  Just two more months.  And perhaps I will make some room in my bullshit tank in 2018 but for now, be afraid . . . be VERY afraid.