I Never Knew What It Was Like, To Be Alone, On A Valentine's Day

Last Saturday, I saw Thirty Seconds to Mars and Muse in concert.  Thirty Seconds to Mars was “meh” but a highlight of their performance was when Jared Leto went out into the crowd and talked of one of his close friends, Chester Bennington.  He spoke about how Chester “always had a smile on his face,” and then went into an acoustic version of “The Kill” amongst the crowd of Thirty Seconds to Mars fans, and fans of music in general.

Tears started streaming down my face.  Losing some of our musicians, such as Chris Cornell, is hard.  But this, I think for a lot of my peers, hit a little closer to home.  I grew up listening to Hybrid Theory on repeat.  I would come home from school and grab my Discman (yup—Discman) and go for a walk.  This was not for exercise or anything else other than just an opportunity to blast the album as loud as I could in my headphones.  It was such a thought-clearing time.

I bought a fake lip ring because of Chester.  I dreamt of being in a rock band because of Chester.  I put blue streaks in my hair because of Chester.  Chester was loved by every girl or boy with inner anguish as a teenager.  Whether it was anger and sadness about not fitting in at school, hating his/her parents, feeling lonely, being confused.  We all had a friend in Chester’s voice.  He not only understood our feelings, but also shouted out and screamed on behalf of all of those that felt they could not speak up for themselves.

In middle school, I wanted to marry Chester.   I had covers of magazines, with his picture on it, in frames around my bedroom.   Now, I have grown out of this worship phase, naturally, but I have never stopped listening to and appreciating his voice and Linkin Park.

What saddened me most about Leto’s dedication to Chester was that like him, I feel like I lost a friend.  If you think about it, I spent more time listening to Chester than a lot of people who have come into (and out of) my life.  Let’s face it, I don’t remember my ex-boyfriends birthday or what my favorite English teacher’s name was in high school.  BUT I know all the words to “Papercut” and I remember that Chester has a tattoo of fish to represent being a Pisces on his arm.

Chester had a whole family, but he also had such a large extended family in all his fans.  In thinking about it, I have been listening to Linkin Park since 2000.  For 17 years I have not stopped downloading their albums or keeping up with their tour and singles.  If I haven’t stopped yet, I don’t think I ever will.  The only thing that may change is that I am not sure I will ever be able to listen to “My December” without crying.

Chester, all your fans, even us 31 year old women, miss you terribly and will always need your voice and your music.