I Am Not A Large?

For many years, I shopped for clothes at maybe 2-3 different stores.  These were my staple stores to buy clothes for school, then for internships, and even into my early working years.  I would go up to the racks of clothes, and you know how they are set up—they start with the smallest sizes and move backwards to the largest sizes.  I always pushed all the front sizes aside and went for the Large and X-Large.  ALWAYS.  These were my go-to sizes.  Most of my shirts, dresses, and pants were these larger sizes. 

Not being these sizes anymore sounds awesome but it is funny how old habits die hard.  I find it very difficult to go into a store and grab a different size.  I still go to the biggest sizes first.  Those who have never had a body image issue or self-confidence issue with how they look will NOT understand why but I will try to explain it the best I can.

Having bought one size for so long, it is hard to believe that my body changed drastically enough to adjust my size.  Sometimes I feel like I may have lost weight, but not enough to actually affect the clothing I wear.  I don’t always see the difference when I look in the mirror so I think, it must just be a slight change.

When I grab these smaller sizes, whether it is just one size difference or 3 sizes difference from what I used to wear, I think I am kidding myself.  There is a part of me that thinks I am just trying to squeeze into smaller sizes to make myself feel better but, in fact, I am still a Large.  As if someone is going to walk up to me as I am grabbing a piece of clothing and say, “excuse me, Miss, I think you grabbed the wrong size.” 

As an example, there was a recent time that I needed a dress for a work event.  I went to a store where I would often shop and found a dress on a rack.  I grabbed a Large and went to try it on.  It looked ridiculous.  Way too big for me.  I decided instead of going back and forth, in and out of the dressing room, I would get a Medium and a Small.  The Medium also looked too big.  I tried on the Small and it fit perfectly.  So my response was “this sizing is off.”  I just could not fathom that I was a Small.  So I left the dressing room and grabbed another of the same dress in the Small.  There was a defect and the dress was labeled wrong.  But it ended up fitting the same way.

I bought the dress and tried it on numerous times.  How can this fit me?  I cannot be a small.  I am still a Large.  Single White Female?  Large White Female.  Where many people shop for clothes, find the size that fits, and move on without a second thought, my head and body are often times not on the same page, arguing, making it impossible to settle at ease on a simple decision like the dress.

Some that are reading this (MOM) would say that I am attributing to much importance to the size on the tags of my clothing.  That is 100% true.  However, when a person is not-so body image confident, there is a lot of credit given to the size one wears. 

I am writing this not so much to brag (because as I have explained, most of the times I don’t actually think any transformation or progress has even occurred so what would I brag about?) but also to let people know that there are different degrees of self confidence and different degrees of insecurities and we all show them in our own unique ways.  One of my insecurities manifests in struggling to buy clothes and thinking there are defects when clothes fit me that wouldn’t have done so 4-5 years ago.  Maybe I still think I need that bigger size because I think I still am that person 4-5 years ago. 

But none of us are.  None of us are the same as person we were 4-5 years ago and I think that is a great thing.  We progress in all ways and struggle with some progressions more than others.  That’s growth.  So, when I choose to eat a burger when I want a burger and a salad when I want a salad, rather than eating Atkins shakes and pineapple 5 days a week, and pizza and brownies on the weekends, that is a progression.  Working on understanding that no one is judging me when I don’t get that salad and I do get that burger is a progression.  Recognizing that health is balance and not overhaul is progression.  Not counting calories anymore, rather than limiting myself to less than 900 calories is progression.

So the lesson of this story—love your crazy self appreciate progress and growth (no matter how small or hard-to-grasp it may be), and if the clothes fit, wear them!