I Never Knew What It Was Like, To Be Alone, On A Valentine's Day

Last Saturday, I saw Thirty Seconds to Mars and Muse in concert.  Thirty Seconds to Mars was “meh” but a highlight of their performance was when Jared Leto went out into the crowd and talked of one of his close friends, Chester Bennington.  He spoke about how Chester “always had a smile on his face,” and then went into an acoustic version of “The Kill” amongst the crowd of Thirty Seconds to Mars fans, and fans of music in general.

Tears started streaming down my face.  Losing some of our musicians, such as Chris Cornell, is hard.  But this, I think for a lot of my peers, hit a little closer to home.  I grew up listening to Hybrid Theory on repeat.  I would come home from school and grab my Discman (yup—Discman) and go for a walk.  This was not for exercise or anything else other than just an opportunity to blast the album as loud as I could in my headphones.  It was such a thought-clearing time.

I bought a fake lip ring because of Chester.  I dreamt of being in a rock band because of Chester.  I put blue streaks in my hair because of Chester.  Chester was loved by every girl or boy with inner anguish as a teenager.  Whether it was anger and sadness about not fitting in at school, hating his/her parents, feeling lonely, being confused.  We all had a friend in Chester’s voice.  He not only understood our feelings, but also shouted out and screamed on behalf of all of those that felt they could not speak up for themselves.

In middle school, I wanted to marry Chester.   I had covers of magazines, with his picture on it, in frames around my bedroom.   Now, I have grown out of this worship phase, naturally, but I have never stopped listening to and appreciating his voice and Linkin Park.

What saddened me most about Leto’s dedication to Chester was that like him, I feel like I lost a friend.  If you think about it, I spent more time listening to Chester than a lot of people who have come into (and out of) my life.  Let’s face it, I don’t remember my ex-boyfriends birthday or what my favorite English teacher’s name was in high school.  BUT I know all the words to “Papercut” and I remember that Chester has a tattoo of fish to represent being a Pisces on his arm.

Chester had a whole family, but he also had such a large extended family in all his fans.  In thinking about it, I have been listening to Linkin Park since 2000.  For 17 years I have not stopped downloading their albums or keeping up with their tour and singles.  If I haven’t stopped yet, I don’t think I ever will.  The only thing that may change is that I am not sure I will ever be able to listen to “My December” without crying.

Chester, all your fans, even us 31 year old women, miss you terribly and will always need your voice and your music. 

I Am Not A Large?

For many years, I shopped for clothes at maybe 2-3 different stores.  These were my staple stores to buy clothes for school, then for internships, and even into my early working years.  I would go up to the racks of clothes, and you know how they are set up—they start with the smallest sizes and move backwards to the largest sizes.  I always pushed all the front sizes aside and went for the Large and X-Large.  ALWAYS.  These were my go-to sizes.  Most of my shirts, dresses, and pants were these larger sizes. 

Not being these sizes anymore sounds awesome but it is funny how old habits die hard.  I find it very difficult to go into a store and grab a different size.  I still go to the biggest sizes first.  Those who have never had a body image issue or self-confidence issue with how they look will NOT understand why but I will try to explain it the best I can.

Having bought one size for so long, it is hard to believe that my body changed drastically enough to adjust my size.  Sometimes I feel like I may have lost weight, but not enough to actually affect the clothing I wear.  I don’t always see the difference when I look in the mirror so I think, it must just be a slight change.

When I grab these smaller sizes, whether it is just one size difference or 3 sizes difference from what I used to wear, I think I am kidding myself.  There is a part of me that thinks I am just trying to squeeze into smaller sizes to make myself feel better but, in fact, I am still a Large.  As if someone is going to walk up to me as I am grabbing a piece of clothing and say, “excuse me, Miss, I think you grabbed the wrong size.” 

As an example, there was a recent time that I needed a dress for a work event.  I went to a store where I would often shop and found a dress on a rack.  I grabbed a Large and went to try it on.  It looked ridiculous.  Way too big for me.  I decided instead of going back and forth, in and out of the dressing room, I would get a Medium and a Small.  The Medium also looked too big.  I tried on the Small and it fit perfectly.  So my response was “this sizing is off.”  I just could not fathom that I was a Small.  So I left the dressing room and grabbed another of the same dress in the Small.  There was a defect and the dress was labeled wrong.  But it ended up fitting the same way.

I bought the dress and tried it on numerous times.  How can this fit me?  I cannot be a small.  I am still a Large.  Single White Female?  Large White Female.  Where many people shop for clothes, find the size that fits, and move on without a second thought, my head and body are often times not on the same page, arguing, making it impossible to settle at ease on a simple decision like the dress.

Some that are reading this (MOM) would say that I am attributing to much importance to the size on the tags of my clothing.  That is 100% true.  However, when a person is not-so body image confident, there is a lot of credit given to the size one wears. 

I am writing this not so much to brag (because as I have explained, most of the times I don’t actually think any transformation or progress has even occurred so what would I brag about?) but also to let people know that there are different degrees of self confidence and different degrees of insecurities and we all show them in our own unique ways.  One of my insecurities manifests in struggling to buy clothes and thinking there are defects when clothes fit me that wouldn’t have done so 4-5 years ago.  Maybe I still think I need that bigger size because I think I still am that person 4-5 years ago. 

But none of us are.  None of us are the same as person we were 4-5 years ago and I think that is a great thing.  We progress in all ways and struggle with some progressions more than others.  That’s growth.  So, when I choose to eat a burger when I want a burger and a salad when I want a salad, rather than eating Atkins shakes and pineapple 5 days a week, and pizza and brownies on the weekends, that is a progression.  Working on understanding that no one is judging me when I don’t get that salad and I do get that burger is a progression.  Recognizing that health is balance and not overhaul is progression.  Not counting calories anymore, rather than limiting myself to less than 900 calories is progression.

So the lesson of this story—love your crazy self appreciate progress and growth (no matter how small or hard-to-grasp it may be), and if the clothes fit, wear them!