"I'm a Believer, it's a Trial"

Even though I'm 30 and not 13, I still look for inspiration, for leadership, for guidance and for role models in my life.  I look to leaders to do just that—to lead and lead by example.  To act by example, to walk the walk, and talk the talk. Part of the reason I have such a passion for music is that I am inspired every day by musicians that take their role as social icons as a real opportunity to make movements and act in significant ways. 

I am shocked today.  Not only at the overall election results but also by my reaction to them.  I woke up a half an hour before my alarm, having went to bed before any substantial statements were made about who would be our next President.  I woke up anxious.   I immediately went on CNN.com. To see the top news story about Trumps victory, I had no words. I actually refreshed the page to make sure that it was accurate. And then I was surprised at what happened next.

I cried.  I cried hard for about 20 minutes in the dark.  I couldn't stop. I composed myself enough to take the subway but kept having episodes of needing to hold back tears.  When I got to work, a coworker asked, knowing I had voted for Clinton, if I was okay and I cried in her arms.  This is a hard pill for me to swallow, much harder than I expected. 

I started looking on social media as I am happily connected with many Clinton supporters and I saw how everyone seemed, not so much defeated, but worried. Everyone is concerned about the future and also saddened that our country, when given a choice, makes this choice.

As a woman, I am deeply disheartened. I worry that many Americans see our President-to-be’s misogynistic attitudes as acceptable. That it is okay to treat and talk about women this way. I worry about young girls who are going to feel a little less encouraged that they can be anything they want to be when they see what has happened in this election.  As a woman, I am worried about my sexual rights. To me, it is not a fight about when life starts or Planned Parenthood, but my ability to have sexual freedom and own the responsibility to decide when I am emotionally, mentally and financially most capable to have a child. There is still the stigma that a man can have sexual freedom and is encouraged to speak openly about “grabbing” women, etc. but women are discouraged from this.  If I could pick a spokesman for slut shaming, it would be Trump.

Now, I never felt the same way about Clinton that I did about Obama. I really don't care at all what people have to say about Obama--he is one of my greatest inspirations and role models. He taught me that I could be part of something greater than myself and that I can do anything I set my mind to. He also helped me understand the meaning of community and that it stretches so much farther than your friends, family, town, and state.  To see this morning, article after article, about the end of the Obama legacy and the disintegration of everything he has instilled in this country (whether you support him or not) is unnerving.  As one of my role models, I hate to see his impact discounted.

Even though I may not be as moved by the speeches and messages of Clinton, as I am by Obama, I look to Hillary as a leader. I saw a photo a month or so ago that I'll never forget.  It was a photo of Clinton walking to or from a meeting of some sort, surrounded by 8-10 men. I am assuming these men consisted of some of her campaign staff and other important officials. To see her, as a woman, literally leading this group of men was amazing to me. Women came so far yesterday. No one can take it away that yesterday I was one of many men and women that for the first time, voted for a female candidate. 

I am a feminist. I am a working woman. I am a registered voter. I am a two-time voter for an African American president and a one time voter (so far) for a female president. We must all remember these milestones, even at these less than comforting times.  I want to feel united and open with love and community.   I want so badly to feel that this is, perhaps, a good thing and that we will become a stronger nation and we will open ourselves up to a positive future.  Unfortunately, what these election results do right now is make me want to separate myself. I want people to know that I did not want this or help to make this happen. I don’t want people passing me on the street or neighbors in my building to think that I am a supporter of what is taking place.

Now, we must look to our leaders and inspirations, whoever they may be, and find a way to maintain that feeling of community and positive change.

“I'm a believer, it's chaos, where are our leaders?” ~Lady Gaga “Angel Down”