A Shitty Union of Contrary Things

I think Maynard James Kennan said it best.  "Narcissistic, drama queen, craving fame and all its decadence."
All I can say is, don't get too close to your idol.

Last week I attended my first book tour appearance.  It was the New York City engagement of Maynard James Keenan's memoir, A Perfect Union of Contrary Things.  The appearance included a Q&A with the author and several readings.  I have been listening to Maynard’s music since high school.  I have seen Maynard in concert numerous times and look up to him as an artistic beacon.  He is weird and creative and I love it!  So when the opportunity to see him again came about, no matter what form, I was in.

I have to assume that most of the audience that was in attendance on Friday night began their interest in Maynard the same way I did, through his involvement in Tool, A Perfect Circle or Puscifer.  There have been hints that Tool is working on new music and Puscifer is currently touring and has released new music as recent as late 2015.  The timing of this memoir seemed perfect and I could not wait to hear him answer some in-depth questions about his music career.

However, Maynard pretty much stuck to two main topics: wine and sustainability.  Maynard's must recent creative endeavor has been that of a winemaker.  According to his Q&A session, owning a vineyard in Arizona has given him a newfound appreciation for the environment and the importance of being responsible with our planet's resources.  Ummmm . . .

I have no interest in talking about wine when I am not drinking it.  If my ticket to this reading had included a free bottle of Caduceus Cellars wine, I would have been all ears.  Also, Leonardo DiCaprio has already taken the American Environmentalist title.  He is trending on the topic so unfortunately, Maynard's opinions come in second as far as celebrity activism goes.  Bottom line is that Maynard did not discuss his music.  Puscifer was mentioned once, maybe twice and that was it.  Was “Thinking of You” about masturbation or anal sex . . .which is it? . . .Come on!!! Oddly enough, I was not the only person that was disinterested.  The interviewer, some older woman who mentioned she had met Maynard many years ago, seemed totally disengaged.  She continued to check the time on her phone and flip through the binder of questions she had on her lap while Maynard was speaking.  If she wasn't really listening, why should I?  Lord, I hope she is not going to ask that whole binder of questions . . 

Despite my feelings as the night progressed, the audience was extremely supportive.  They clapped after every statement made by Maynard.  After the first 15-20 minutes struggle to hear the soft-spoken Maynard over the archaic sound system, I was tired of the clapping and straining to hear over said clapping.  At one point, and this was long after I had given up on applauding, or hearing for that matter, the interviewer mentioned it was Veterans Day and guess what, EVERYONE CLAPPED!   Someone sitting behind me said to her boyfriend/spouse/friend, "that is a really loud clap" and his response was "I am clapping for those who are not."  Whoa buddy, easy.  I know it has been a rough few days but I am not protesting at a musician’s book tour.  So relax. That being said, Maynard didn't touch on his music career but he also barely touched on the political environment.  For someone who released a cover album of protest music, I was looking forward to hearing what he had to say about the election and the state of our country.  His only statement on the topic was that 2016 sucked and that we were all going to be ok.  Wow, how inspiring.

Unfortunately I left the reading uninspired.  I left with a free copy of the memoir with little intent on reading it.  My thoughts of Maynard as an amazing lead singer, a writer and a poet, felt overthrown by his entrepreneurship and eagerness to be a part of the wine and food industry.

If you ever get a chance to meet one of your artistic idols in a setting more intimate than a rock and roll show where you have the music to fill the space between you both, I would think long and hard about whether it would disappoint you to find out that s/he is kind of a dick/wine snob/low-talker.

Sorry Maynard, to quote . . .well . . .you.  . ."Someday I'll walk away and say, you disappoint me."