Missing the Aches and Pains

About 5 months ago, I hurt my back.  I guess this is what happens when you turn 30—everything goes to shit.  I hurt my back in a gym class I had taken fairly regularly and ever since, I have not been able to resume normal physical activity.  I waited a few weeks after my injury to see if the discomfort would subside and it never did.  I went to my doctor who in turn, sent me to an orthopedist.  The orthopedist gave me a prescription and told me to ice it.  After that did not work, he gave me a different prescription and told me to ice it and stretch.  And then after that ALSO didn't work, he sent me for an MRI.  


The orthopedist called me the day after the MRI, letting me know he received the results.  "You say the pain is on your left side?" he asked.

"No, my right side."

"Oh--well yah--I see something on the right side of your lower back."

*Sigh*

I pinched some sort of muscle/nerve/something on the right side of my back.  He recommended acupuncture. By the time you read this, I will have attended two needle-prodding sessions. 

During these last few months I have been told to minimize my physical activity to more low impact options at the gym.  I am allowed to do Yoga and some Pilates, and use the elliptical a bit, but nothing any more strenuous than that.  Don't get me wrong, I am not a fitness aficionado by any means, and I certainly am skilled at looking for excuses to skip the gym wherever and whenever I can.  But, during this time where I am somewhat limited, I have realized that I actually miss it. 

Well, not all of it.  Two very  specific components of my fitness routine.  Caribbean dance fitness classes and running.

Yup, you heard me.

I have tried almost every type of exercise there is (at least once): pilates, yoga, kickboxing, weight lifting, swimming, belly dancing, interval training, pole dancing, hip hop, burlesque, spin, hot yoga, I even have Carmen Electra’s Stripaerobics DVDs.  Fitness is supposed to make you feel energized, happy and positive about yourself.  Most of these workouts are great but not necessarily leaving me with a rejuvenated feeling afterwords.  However, running and Caribbean rhythm dance classes are a form of detox for me.   I realize this now that I have been living without since the summer.

I started taking Caribbean rhythm dance/fitness classes about a year ago.  It was scary to walk into the class for the first time, not knowing the steps or even knowing if I could keep up.  Not to mention my dancing should probably never be seen in a public space.  The beauty of this class was that I didn't need to know what I was doing or be even skilled at it, to enjoy it and love it.  It was fun and freeing and an amazing workout, but the best part?--the music! It was a genre I had never tapped into but soon enough, I had my own collection of Soca and Reggaeton music to enjoy outside of the classes.  

I also miss running, perhaps more than I miss the dance classes.  They say running is cheaper than therapy and guess what; even with good insurance, they're right!  I started running casually in college and then more significantly in 2012, finishing two half marathons in 2013: the New York City Half and the Boston Half.  The clarity and serenity I get from running, I haven't found anywhere else . . . although I have never tried any hard drugs so maybe that is something to look into during this time.   

Running and these fitness dance classes were opportunities to tune out of everything else in life and just tune in to music I love to listen to.  With the right playlist, I can run that many more miles or do that many more burpees in the dance routine.

Every time I see the orthopedist (or speak to him on the phone), I ask the same things, "Can I start running again?" or "Can I take gym classes again?" and I get the same answer.  

"I would still take it easy.  Stick with yoga."

This.  Is.  Frustrating.  There is only so many times I can savasana and anjaneyasana without going crazy.  I still listen to my running playlist and my Caribbean playlist and think longingly of better times.  For now, all I can do is Namaste and enjoy the tunes without the moves.

Because this music is so good it gets me to actually work out, I figured I should share it. So enjoy my Caribbean playlist and my Running playlist at the gym or being lazy on your couch.

I Have Nothing Valuable to Say About Metallica

Let’s be honest; no one really wants to hear what I think about Metallica. No one wants to hear what girl who quotes Lemonade lyrics regularly and likes her Chai Lattes made with Soy milk, what she thinks of Hardwired . . .To Self-Destruct, Metallica’s new album or what her favorite songs are.  I have refrained from conversations about the topic and when I have brought up that I am a Metallica, it is brushed off.  Metallica fans don’t let just anyone into their group and I respect that.

I was a late bloomer to Metallica.  I first thought to listen to Metallica when the single “St. Anger” was released in 2003.

Did I lose anyone?  Ok, I’ll continue.

I watched a lot of music videos at the time.  That was one of my biggest sources of new music.  Music videos were where I first heard System of a Down, Korn, and even how I first heard the Beastie Boys.  I saw the “St. Anger” music video where the band performs for inmates at a state prison in California.  I really loved the song (and the video) and decided I would get the album.  It turns out, I loved it—every song off of St. Anger.  What I also discovered about loving this album was that most Metallica fans were not on the same train as me.  I heard many conversations about the new bassist, that the band was going through therapy, that their sound was not the same, they seemed soft, they sold out; that St. Anger was their worst album ever.

So I kept my appreciation for Metallica to myself.  I realized I needed to hear more Metallica.  I was a poser to only like this one album (at least that is what people told me).   I asked my boyfriend at the time if he had any Metallica albums I could borrow.  I assumed being a teenage male, he would have the entire discography.  He had two albums, Metallica and Reload.  That was it.  And from what I understand, if St. Anger is Metallica’s worst album, Reload is a close second and Metallica might be the third.  So, really it’s on him as to why I don’t have more of a Metallica education.  Yah, lets blame him.

Anyway, after listening to these two albums, I thought, yes!  I do like Metallica.  Another less-than-proud coincidence around this time was that one of my favorite movies was Mission Impossible II. I am not sure why.  I would watch it on DVD once or twice a month.  One day I noticed in the Bonus Features, a music video from Metallica was one of the features.  Could it be true?  Metallica recorded “I Disappear” for the Mission Impossible II soundtrack.  Mark my words, this song will play at my wedding.

After this twisted tale of metal, we can really see why I am weary of saying I am a Metallica fan.  To a real fan, I am someone who likes the newer, more mainstream stuff.  I cannot help how I first got introduced to Metallica and became a fan of their music.  At least I knew enough to recognize how good the music was.  The metal gods cannot be too cross with me.  If someone had played the entire Master of Puppets album for me when I was 14, the conversation would be totally different.  But, I did not hear the album in its entirety until this year.

Hardwired . . .To Self-Destruct—I decided to listen before reading any reviews.  I honestly assumed that if I loved it, the reviews would be bad and I could stay consistent with my awkward Metallica fandom.  However, I really like the album and so do most of the critics (that I have read).  If there were levels to Metallica fans, I would be at Level I—Beginner.  I am ok with that.  I love their music.  I love that they are still rocking so hard after all these years.  When I first started running, my first long-distance run was listening to Metallica—it gave me that push I needed to get through those extra miles.  I had a Metallica poster in my college dorm room that would later end up in my first apartment’s bathroom (James Hetfield watching me shower was never uncomfortable).  I will always turn to St. Anger as my go-to album because that is where it all started.  Where I first learned that Metallica are really one of the best bands of all time.

And now, I leave you with my personal list of MY top 10 Metallica songs.  May you read this list and remember it is the holiday season, so be kind.

1.  “I Disappear”
2.  “St. Anger”
3.  “Spit Out the Bone”
4.  “Low Man’s Lyric”
5.  “Hardwired”
6.  “The Unnamed Feeling”
7.  “Slither”
8.  “Shoot Me Again”
9.  “Frantic”
10. “The Unforgiven”

Dress For Success

The band t-shirt.  We all have at least one.  We bought it at a concert, a flea market, a festival, maybe even ordered one from Etsy or Amazon.  It is an interesting part of fashion because it is probably the most un-fashionable choice.  We reach for a band t-shirt when we have nothing else to wear, when we are going to the gym, when we are hung-over and have no intention of showering.  Even though a band t-shirt may be considered the “laziest” form of fashion, it is still fashion.  It still makes a statement.  It combines two cultural tableaus together: Art and Fashion. 

With the freedom of choice to wear the band t-shirt comes great responsibility.  It may not be a part of the latest political conversations, but perhaps it should be.  It truly angers me when people don’t respect the significance of the fashion statement to wear the band t-shirt. About a year ago, I saw a photo of Kendall Jenner wearing a Slayer t-shirt.  I was pissed.  Although, I do not know what Kendall listens to, I can only assume it does not include Slayer.  But, I did some research; maybe I would prove myself wrong.  I found some Kendall inspired playlists in articles from fashion magazines and also on Spotify.  They feature artists such as Drake, Big Sean, Kanye West, Akon, and shockingly, more Kanye West.  No mention of Slayer anywhere.  Why is she wearing the shirt? 

A week or so ago I was scrolling through Instagram and found a photo of Kourtney Kardashian wearing a Metallica t-shirt.  It’s true that I don't know if Kourtney enjoys Metallica or not--she may be a huge fan, but for some reason, based on my research on Kendall, I have to assume she is not. 

Dwayne lifts tires, I lift shirts

This is not an attack on the Kardashians (I can save that for another post) but an attack on people wearing band gear of artists they do not actually support or enjoy.  This has become more and more popular given that at Urban Outfitters in late September, amongst their Halloween gear, were selling Nine Inch Nails beanies and a Misfits t-shirt.  So are they saying that metal and industrial band apparel is only fashionable at Halloween?  If someone likes the Misfits, they like them all year round, right?

I don't think people should be wearing band t-shirts of bands/musicians/artists they don't listen to.  Some of us take these fashion choices seriously.  I consider band t-shirts a staple in any wardrobe.  I wear band t-shirts to show comradery with others who like the same music.    I wear band t-shirts because music, in my life, is more important than fashion.  I wear band t-shirts because I want to show my support of artists that have produced songs that have affected me in some way.  Basic bitches and other assorted cliques are now great promoters for some of the bands I love but is that a good thing?  No!  Why?  Because they are promoting to the wrong crowd.  When Kendall Jenner wears a Slayer t-shirt out with her friends, are any of her friends going to ask, “hey who is that on your shirt?” or “what do you think of their music?” or “is that the cover art from "Show No Mercy?”  I doubt it.  In other words, what she is selling, they ain’t buying. 

Wearing a band t-shirt makes you susceptible to conversations you may not be interested in having.  If I see someone with a Metallica t-shirt on, I may be inclined to ask him/her, "What do you think of Metallica’s new album,” and if your response is, “Who?” well now we are just two strangers, standing in awkward silence.  It’s sad but true . . . 

If you don’t get what I did there and you own a Metallica t-shirt, please give it away to someone. 

We live in a world of judgment.  With social media creating a great forum to judge in the privacy of our own homes, we can judge freely and frequently.  I judged two Kardashians just in this one blog post and it is not even 10:30 AM.  Wearing a band t-shirt makes you vulnerable to judgment, whether people love what you are wearing or hate it. For real music lovers, we will be judged on what music we are adorned with, but for us, that is okay.  We are ready for the criticism, or more often than not, the positive response from fellow music lovers.  If you are not ready for the eye rolls you will receive while sporting a Black Keys t-shirt (come on, really?) then I wouldn't wear their shirts. 

I feel I need to earn what I wear.  I need to really have a deep appreciation of a band or artist in order to wear their name in huge Gothic lettering across my chest.  The many band t-shirts I have collected over the years remind me of great times and great music.  The music I listen to, I wear proudly.  And I suggest that if you are considering a band t-shirt purchase and you are not familiar with the music, listen to one of their albums and see what you think.  You may be pleasantly surprised, or you may hate it and think twice about buying the shirt to begin with.  Look, I just saved you money!

A Shitty Union of Contrary Things

I think Maynard James Kennan said it best.  "Narcissistic, drama queen, craving fame and all its decadence."
All I can say is, don't get too close to your idol.

Last week I attended my first book tour appearance.  It was the New York City engagement of Maynard James Keenan's memoir, A Perfect Union of Contrary Things.  The appearance included a Q&A with the author and several readings.  I have been listening to Maynard’s music since high school.  I have seen Maynard in concert numerous times and look up to him as an artistic beacon.  He is weird and creative and I love it!  So when the opportunity to see him again came about, no matter what form, I was in.

I have to assume that most of the audience that was in attendance on Friday night began their interest in Maynard the same way I did, through his involvement in Tool, A Perfect Circle or Puscifer.  There have been hints that Tool is working on new music and Puscifer is currently touring and has released new music as recent as late 2015.  The timing of this memoir seemed perfect and I could not wait to hear him answer some in-depth questions about his music career.

However, Maynard pretty much stuck to two main topics: wine and sustainability.  Maynard's must recent creative endeavor has been that of a winemaker.  According to his Q&A session, owning a vineyard in Arizona has given him a newfound appreciation for the environment and the importance of being responsible with our planet's resources.  Ummmm . . .

I have no interest in talking about wine when I am not drinking it.  If my ticket to this reading had included a free bottle of Caduceus Cellars wine, I would have been all ears.  Also, Leonardo DiCaprio has already taken the American Environmentalist title.  He is trending on the topic so unfortunately, Maynard's opinions come in second as far as celebrity activism goes.  Bottom line is that Maynard did not discuss his music.  Puscifer was mentioned once, maybe twice and that was it.  Was “Thinking of You” about masturbation or anal sex . . .which is it? . . .Come on!!! Oddly enough, I was not the only person that was disinterested.  The interviewer, some older woman who mentioned she had met Maynard many years ago, seemed totally disengaged.  She continued to check the time on her phone and flip through the binder of questions she had on her lap while Maynard was speaking.  If she wasn't really listening, why should I?  Lord, I hope she is not going to ask that whole binder of questions . . 

Despite my feelings as the night progressed, the audience was extremely supportive.  They clapped after every statement made by Maynard.  After the first 15-20 minutes struggle to hear the soft-spoken Maynard over the archaic sound system, I was tired of the clapping and straining to hear over said clapping.  At one point, and this was long after I had given up on applauding, or hearing for that matter, the interviewer mentioned it was Veterans Day and guess what, EVERYONE CLAPPED!   Someone sitting behind me said to her boyfriend/spouse/friend, "that is a really loud clap" and his response was "I am clapping for those who are not."  Whoa buddy, easy.  I know it has been a rough few days but I am not protesting at a musician’s book tour.  So relax. That being said, Maynard didn't touch on his music career but he also barely touched on the political environment.  For someone who released a cover album of protest music, I was looking forward to hearing what he had to say about the election and the state of our country.  His only statement on the topic was that 2016 sucked and that we were all going to be ok.  Wow, how inspiring.

Unfortunately I left the reading uninspired.  I left with a free copy of the memoir with little intent on reading it.  My thoughts of Maynard as an amazing lead singer, a writer and a poet, felt overthrown by his entrepreneurship and eagerness to be a part of the wine and food industry.

If you ever get a chance to meet one of your artistic idols in a setting more intimate than a rock and roll show where you have the music to fill the space between you both, I would think long and hard about whether it would disappoint you to find out that s/he is kind of a dick/wine snob/low-talker.

Sorry Maynard, to quote . . .well . . .you.  . ."Someday I'll walk away and say, you disappoint me."

One Track Mind

It is fairly ironic that as much as I love putting playlists together for myself and for friends, I have a habit of becoming obsessed with only one song at a time and listening to it on repeat.

Even more ironic is ever since the show, I Love the 90s, talked about Alanis Morissette's "Ironic" and how her ironic examples are not actually ironic and she misused the word, I am constantly second guessing myself about if I am using the word properly.  Am I?  Moving on . .  .

Since middle school, I have followed a similar routine.  I hear a song for the first time, I fall head over heels in love with it, and then I listen to it over and over again until my ears finally cave in.

The first time I can remember doing this (and this is mortifying) was with Blessed Union of Souls', "Standing at the Edge of the Earth."  Phew! It feels good to get that off my chest.  I don't think I ever told anyone; that I would listen to this one song over and over again for days and days on the bus to and from school.  The album came out in 1999.  I was 13.  And while we are being honest here, I have to admit, I would only listen to the last minute of the song.  I would start the song, skip ahead to the last minute, listen, and then once the song ended, I rewound to the start of that final minute and did it all over again.  I did not listen to any other song for weeks.  The only defense I have is that I was not listening to the song "Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)" on repeat which was the hit song off of the same album, Walking Off the Buzz.  So yah, it could have been worse.

Unfortunately, the list of songs that I have done this with is not an impressive one.  "Apologize" by OneRepublic & Timbaland was another one.  I listened to it on a trip in France.  Total,  it was probably 5-6 straight hours of just this song.  Another time, I took a bus from Boston to New York and only listened to "Just a Dream" by Nelly.  So that was probably over 4 hours.

After these heavy hitters, it gets more reasonable.  Maybe an hour or two at a time, or for a few weeks, but for just 10-15 minutes each day.  This second, less obsessive batch includes "So Cold" by Breaking Benjamin, "Bind, Torture, Kill" by Suicide Commando, "Sick of Life" by Godsmack (similar to the Blessed Union of Souls experience--I only listened to a portion of the song, the first 1:06 minutes), "Sleep" by My Chemical Romance, "Love Don't Let Me Go" by David Guetta & The Egg.

Sometimes, only one song can match my emotion.  Whatever I am feeling at any given moment, there are moments that only one song can satisfy.  And yah, I have had some embarrassing moments as you can see from my above choices, but I still find nothing more satisfying than discovering a song I haven't heard and listening to it to DEATH!

To show I can break out of my monotony, below is my current playlist.  And yes, some days I am only listening to one track on this list but for the most part, I am happy to let this list play all the way through without touching the Skip button. Enjoy!

"I'm a Believer, it's a Trial"

Even though I'm 30 and not 13, I still look for inspiration, for leadership, for guidance and for role models in my life.  I look to leaders to do just that—to lead and lead by example.  To act by example, to walk the walk, and talk the talk. Part of the reason I have such a passion for music is that I am inspired every day by musicians that take their role as social icons as a real opportunity to make movements and act in significant ways. 

I am shocked today.  Not only at the overall election results but also by my reaction to them.  I woke up a half an hour before my alarm, having went to bed before any substantial statements were made about who would be our next President.  I woke up anxious.   I immediately went on CNN.com. To see the top news story about Trumps victory, I had no words. I actually refreshed the page to make sure that it was accurate. And then I was surprised at what happened next.

I cried.  I cried hard for about 20 minutes in the dark.  I couldn't stop. I composed myself enough to take the subway but kept having episodes of needing to hold back tears.  When I got to work, a coworker asked, knowing I had voted for Clinton, if I was okay and I cried in her arms.  This is a hard pill for me to swallow, much harder than I expected. 

I started looking on social media as I am happily connected with many Clinton supporters and I saw how everyone seemed, not so much defeated, but worried. Everyone is concerned about the future and also saddened that our country, when given a choice, makes this choice.

As a woman, I am deeply disheartened. I worry that many Americans see our President-to-be’s misogynistic attitudes as acceptable. That it is okay to treat and talk about women this way. I worry about young girls who are going to feel a little less encouraged that they can be anything they want to be when they see what has happened in this election.  As a woman, I am worried about my sexual rights. To me, it is not a fight about when life starts or Planned Parenthood, but my ability to have sexual freedom and own the responsibility to decide when I am emotionally, mentally and financially most capable to have a child. There is still the stigma that a man can have sexual freedom and is encouraged to speak openly about “grabbing” women, etc. but women are discouraged from this.  If I could pick a spokesman for slut shaming, it would be Trump.

Now, I never felt the same way about Clinton that I did about Obama. I really don't care at all what people have to say about Obama--he is one of my greatest inspirations and role models. He taught me that I could be part of something greater than myself and that I can do anything I set my mind to. He also helped me understand the meaning of community and that it stretches so much farther than your friends, family, town, and state.  To see this morning, article after article, about the end of the Obama legacy and the disintegration of everything he has instilled in this country (whether you support him or not) is unnerving.  As one of my role models, I hate to see his impact discounted.

Even though I may not be as moved by the speeches and messages of Clinton, as I am by Obama, I look to Hillary as a leader. I saw a photo a month or so ago that I'll never forget.  It was a photo of Clinton walking to or from a meeting of some sort, surrounded by 8-10 men. I am assuming these men consisted of some of her campaign staff and other important officials. To see her, as a woman, literally leading this group of men was amazing to me. Women came so far yesterday. No one can take it away that yesterday I was one of many men and women that for the first time, voted for a female candidate. 

I am a feminist. I am a working woman. I am a registered voter. I am a two-time voter for an African American president and a one time voter (so far) for a female president. We must all remember these milestones, even at these less than comforting times.  I want to feel united and open with love and community.   I want so badly to feel that this is, perhaps, a good thing and that we will become a stronger nation and we will open ourselves up to a positive future.  Unfortunately, what these election results do right now is make me want to separate myself. I want people to know that I did not want this or help to make this happen. I don’t want people passing me on the street or neighbors in my building to think that I am a supporter of what is taking place.

Now, we must look to our leaders and inspirations, whoever they may be, and find a way to maintain that feeling of community and positive change.

“I'm a believer, it's chaos, where are our leaders?” ~Lady Gaga “Angel Down”

Revenge is Best Served Loud

Living in New York, or really any largely populated city, one is bound to experience some less-than-desired noise.  Sirens, dogs barking, car alarms, slamming doors--common occurrences.   I happen to live in an apartment building, and in this section of the building, residents love to congregate.  Kids play video games; adults chat and yell; drunk couples seem to love arguing right outside my door.

As happy as I am to be a part of some of these interactions, I would be even happier if these instances didn’t happen in such close proximity to my front door.  

So what does one do?  I do not like confrontation.  Not to mention the space beyond the confines of my apartment walls is free reign.  I really don't have much of a right to tell people to be quiet because I can’t hear my Frasier reruns.  When a guy is crying on the phone, telling his girlfriend no matter how much he tries to eat healthy, he can't seem to lose weight, I really don't feel comfortable opening my door and saying "hey buddy--not my problem--have a salad, and get out of the hallway."

What I have found works best is to play music.  It cannot be just any music; it has to be the scariest music you can find.  It can’t just be loud; it needs to make a statement.  This statement needs to be “I might have a chainsaw in here!” or “I find violence an effective form of conflict resolution!”  And yes, it also has to be as loud as you can take it.  This has worked for me every time.  In other words, it has 100% success rate. 

So, in the shadows of the recent Halloween season, and my love for all things loud and scary, here is a list of suggested tunes to play if you find yourself being distracted by outdoor voices happening inside. 

01.  “Prometheus” Septicflesh 

Why it is effective:  death metal + instrumentals = scary church vibe

02.  “Job For A Cowboy” Entombment of a Machine

Why it is effective: screaming at 25 seconds in is a little too real

03.  “Not Falling” Mudvayne

Why it is effective: the opening

04.  “War” :wumpscut:

Why it is effective: German accents--how frightening!

05.  “2 Hookers And An 8 Ball” Mindless Selfish Indulgence

Why it is effective:  No one will understand what they are hearing

06.  “Die Eier Von Satan” Tool

Why it is effective: Sounds like you are worshipping Satan (but really just learning a new recipe)

07.  "We Were Made to Love You" Combichrist

Why it is effective: "Hate: Disorder, Love: Destroy"

08.  “Hate This” Grendel 

Why it is effective: Guy kills his girlfriend at the end of the song

09.  "As We Decay" Life Cried

Why it is effective: discussing a cadaver where all 4 limbs have been amputated

10.  “Comanche” In This Moment

Why it is effective: "Let me hear your war cry!"

And if all else fails, just play one of these bonus tracks:

“Photograph” Nickelback

“Rockstar” Nickelback

Someday” Nickelback

"If Everyone Cared" Nickelback

"Far Away" Nickelback

No explanation needed, am I right?

I wish you the best in the removal of any outside distractions, and hope these songs bring you as much peace and tranquility as they have brought me.  And, when you are not out for revenge, try listening to these songs at a respectable noise level.

Please note: This is a list compiled of songs that may be frightening/painful/disturbing to hear for others but I enjoy each and every single song on this list. . . including the Nickelback . . . .yup . . .even.  the.  Nickelback.