Wig and Peplum Blazer Sold Separately

I don’t do many concert reviews anymore; mostly because they become very repetitive. I’ve attended very few concerts where I don’t have at least one positive thing to say so my message is rather monotonous . . .”they were great . . . I loved this part.”  Live music in itself is a blessing; you have to be pretty bad artists to really cock it up.

This past week, I saw, what I consider to be, one of the most influential and important bands. A Perfect Circle performed in Boston on November 8th and I paid for an overpriced hotel to see them (I had a work event on the night they performed in Brooklyn). APC stands apart from most bands for me because I actually listen to each album, all the way through. I love each and every song,

I loved APC’s first two albums and listened to them relentlessly.  I was so excited when Maynard put out a DVD with the Bikini Bandits for a special music video for “The Outsider.” I very rarely got eyes of judgment from adults at the time, so when the woman at Best Buy scanned the DVD’s barcode, and the cover looked like cheap porn, she gave me a very stern grimace—I could not have been more thrilled.

After APC’s first two albums, they released their protest album which most did not like.  The album, Emotive, consisted mostly of covers of protest songs such as “When the Levee Breaks” and “Imagine,” along with two original tracks.  I saw the film, Constantine only because APC’s song, “Passive” was in one of the scenes.  

Look, I have APC t-shirts, tank tops, stickers, and underwear. My screen name on instant messenger as a difficult teen was raremagdalena.  No matter how much of a dick Maynard appears to be in real life, APC overcomes his doucheness and enters a realm of authentic creativity and extestential questioning.

I have described seeing APC in concert as a spiritual experience in the past. What I mean is that I feel a certain sense of elevation when I hear their music live. Maynard remains mystical, hidden in the shadows, only his silhouette visible most of the time. Most would suspect that it takes away from his performance. Not so. You still see the outline of his pigtail wig, peplum blazer, and even the shake weights he used as props during “Thinking of You.”  Seeing too much of him would detract from the seriousness of the music.

He spoke to the audience just enough to deliver typical anti-conformity messages of loving everyone for being different and wanting kids these days to write more songs about anal sex.

I mean, we were all thinking it.

APC opened with the song “The Package” which they have opened with each of the 4 times I have seen them. It’s great because the song is nearly 8 minutes long, and for 4 of these minutes, the song is super mellow. Then it just gets hard and the music gets so rock and harsh you just want to punch someone (in a loving rock and roll way).

Seeing APC again, 6 years after their last tour and hearing all their best stuff and also getting a sneak peak at new material being released in 2018 made me want to do some sort of crazy rain dance—not dissimilar from the weird swaying and bending and vibrating Maynard is known for in concert.  Their use of such obscure phrases such as “umbilical residue,” paired with their raw and truthful messages and imagery make them like a horny U2 after an ethereal yoga retreat . . .with wigs!

What I am saying here may not make you want to listen to APC and it may actually make you want to stay far away from them but I beg you, give them a chance.  And if you think some of their political messages and pessimistic outlook on humanity seems way out there, I recommend that you “stay away from the window, go back to sleep.  Safe from pain and truth and choice and other poison devils.”

The Shitter Is Full!

We only have two months left in 2017.  November.  December.  All I have to say is halle-FUCKING-lujah!

This year, personally, has been an awful year.  I look back at the last ten months and I don't see a lot to be proud, a lot to feel good about, and a lot of standout joyful memories.  A little bit depressing, but unfortunately, very true.

The world is in a weird place right now.  And I think that trickles down into my own spirit as I live my life.  After 10 months of 2017, I can honestly say that it has been the biggest fucker.  I have used words like “exhausted” and “drained,” more often than I am used to.  Saying things like “I just can’t,” and “people suck,” almost hourly. Even more telling is that I have said things like, “I have nothing more to give,” or “I am at my limit.”  In other words, I am regularly feeling like there is no room for anything else.  Whether it is room for emotions or room for giving a shit about other people, I feel like there is just no give in the space allotted.  Like I said to my therapist, “there is no room at the Inn.”

My bullshit tank is overflowing.  I cannot fit any more bullshit in 2017.  The tank will just rupture.  My filter when faced with immediate bullshit is next to nothing.  I have no resistance to the impulse of telling someone exactly where to put their bullshit.  So, when someone walks by me on the street and bumps into me and then tells me to say excuse me, you know what I do.  I say “YOU say excuse me.”  Because I’m done!  I am done excusing the bullshit I hear and see and face every day.  Someone recently told me that they had no time in their day because they were working constantly.  Then I saw them and heard them with my own ears make a hair and nail appointment.  Is this a prank?  Am I being punked?

This year I have seen it all.  I have seen arguments, job insecurity, sickness, death, financial struggle, disappointment, you name it.  I have heard “hang in there” so much that is it almost laughable.  So when someone is complaining about gaining a pound over the weekend, or not being able to get reservations at a restaurant, I have no response.  Why?  Because there is no more room in the bullshit tank.  I cannot take anymore.  And I am not looking for sympathy or to compete with someone to say my year was worse or anything like that.  We all have our issues and drama.  This is more of a mere warning that I cannot sugar coat my feelings and emotions anymore.  So these next two months people better saddle the FUCK Up!

With an attitude as lighthearted as mine, you are probably wondering what the rest of 2017 looks like.  Well, for the next two months, I envision a lot of forward thinking.  A lot of thinking about what is ahead.  What are my long-term goals, what do I seek in my life, career, etc.?  How can I set myself up to NOT have a year like 2017 again?  I intend to prioritize time with family and friends and also prioritize alone time—time that I can do exactly what I want to do which will probably include cooking, yoga, boxing, and watching the Holiday Baking Championship that starts next Monday on the Food Network.  I plan to set some wheels in motion for amazing things to happen next year. 

I cannot just set up some goals and when New Years roles around, drink some champagne and hope it goes ok (didn’t work).  I need to start making moves on what I want to achieve.  I need to start that now. 

As I look at my 2017 goals/new year’s resolutions, I see that most of them were not accomplished.  I wanted to read more (I am currently reading IT and if I finish it, that will be the only book I completed this year).  I wanted to take a trip/book a trip to another country.  Well, I am still here in ‘Merica and haven’t left since Trump got elected.  I wanted to keep things from frustrating me.  I wanted to be more balanced.  Other than becoming better at headstands, my balance sucks and I tend to be either firing at all ends, exerting all my energy, or exhausted, wishing that the deliveryman had a key so he could open the door and put the food right in front of me.

But, I can start anew.  I can be wiser of what I set out to do and have a positive outlook for the future.  Just two more months.  And perhaps I will make some room in my bullshit tank in 2018 but for now, be afraid . . . be VERY afraid.  

Haunted Carbohydrates

“Happy Halloween!”  That is what we say.  We don’t say “Fat Halloween!” or “Guilty Halloween!” or “Hate Yourself Halloween!”  We wish good things upon people at this time of year.  We wish them fun frights and silly fears, and tricks and treats and a hangover-free tomorrow.  We don't wish evil on anyone (unless it is in good fun).

I have seen a lot of emails, social media posts, and other various statements regarding how to “resist Halloween candy,” or how to “work off your Halloween candy.”   I’ve seen charts with the calories and nutritional value of each snack size option.  I have seen pictographs of how far I have to run to work off the calories in a Kit Kat or how many jumping jacks I need to do to sweat out the calories in one Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.  I have been sent lists of “alternative options” I can choose at a Halloween party that won’t leave me in a sugar-induced coma.

Are you people out of your mind?

What if I don't care?  What if I really could give zero fucks about how to burn off the candy I will consume leading up to and on Halloween night?  See, here is the thing—I do not put ANY restrictions on the amount of candy I eat on Halloween.  I let myself eat as much as I want.  I like to have peanut butter cups, or peanut M&Ms with breakfast (because, ya know, protein in the peanuts is a good start to your day).  With lunch I prefer Kit-Kats and some tootsie rolls.  For dinner I prefer the plain M&Ms and Twix bars.  I like Twizzlers in the shower because they stand up to the steam.  Right before bed, a bowl of Reese's Pieces makes for sweet dreams.

I don't track the nutritional info of each candy or factor them into my workout.  Who cares?  It’s Halloween!  Don't misunderstand me—I used to track it ALL.  I only allowed myself certain candy items and certain amounts and I printed out the nutritional information of all the candy I consumed. 

Now that I am comfortable eating a mass amount of candy, guilt free, I notice how much everyone is focused on how to take the fun out of it.  When we were kids, our goal was to get our hands on as much candy as we could.  The second goal was to trade wisely with other kids to get the largest percentage of “good” candy.  And our third goal was to eat as much candy as we could before our parents took it away or started raiding the stash.  We did not care about calories, sugar addiction, diabetes.  We cared about taking advantage of a holiday that celebrates candy in perfectly sized packages.  Now it’s all, “well the best candy choice is peanut M&Ms because of the nutritional value of the peanut.” 

People?  Do you hear what you are saying?  The healthiest candy??  That is like saying, “if you are going to inhale carbon monoxide, make sure it’s filtered with citrus fruit and Electrolytes.”  Stop trying to make candy into something it isn’t.  Its like noddle-less lasagna—it’s just not right.  Lasagna needs noodles.  Lasagna is Italian for “lots of pasta.”

I am all for healthy.  I believe is minimizing meat consumption, eliminating soft drinks, eating your veggies, all that good stuff.  But I don't believe in completely denying yourself of something, and then when you give in on that one day out of 365, you suck the fun right out of it like a vampire.  Just enjoy the candy, savor it; without guilt or the need to “walk it off.”  And you know how to best accommodate a Snickers bar into your diet on Halloween?  Have another one.

It's Right Behind You!

“Boys and girls of every age, would you like to see something strange, come with us and you will see, this our town of Halloween”

It is that time of year and what better way to honor this ghoulish season than a list of my top ten favorite horror movies.  I love all kinds of horror movies.  Slasher films, cult classics, old, new, creature features, paranormal spooks, psychological thrillers.  What make horror movies different than all other film genres is that a horror movie can be bad, and still be good.  Think about it.   If you watch a drama film and it doesn't move you, or the plot has huge holes in it, you don't enjoy it.  However, bad acting in a horror film, plot holes, time-lapse errors, awful special effects . . .who cares!!!  You can still enjoy it.  Maybe it makes the horror movie a little funnier or a little less “I need to keep the lights on while I sleep,” but chances are, you can still walk away from it feeling like it was two-hours well spent. 

I must preface my list of films with some advice on how to get the most out of your horror movie watching Experience.  First of all, popcorn must be had.  Whether it comes in a bag or you make it fresh, it makes your movie watching that much more fun.  Secondly, lights should be off or very dim.  Candles set the mood perfectly. Lastly, get in the spirit.  Don't go into a horror movie ready to point out all the inconstancies or how unrealistic the intestines look.  Just buy what the movie is selling you.  Sit back and enjoy.

Oh, and don't go out to the garage, answer the door, or investigate the creaking upstairs.  That’s just stupid.

In no particular order, here are my top ten horror movies of all time:

The Shining (1980)

Why I love it:  This movie scared me before I saw it.  In the 90’s film, Twister, there is a scene at a drive-in where they show a scene from The Shining: Danny riding his tricycle around the hotel and runs into the ghostly twin girls.  I didn't know what I was watching and it scared me for months.  Eventually I got over my fear and watched the actual movie.  The Shining is a smart horror film.  Each time I watch it, I catch something new.  It gets into your head.  And that music, the weird chanting and moaning and creepy effects are so unsettling. 

Scariest Moment:  Those two creepy little girls.  “Come play with us, Danny.”  Hell no!

The Thing (1982)

Why I love it:  This movie keeps you asking, “what is happening?” until the very end.  The crazy looking Thing, everyone turning against each other, Kurt Russell?!?! What more could you want?

Scariest Moment:  The spider-like creature made out of a human head.

 The Strangers (2008)

Why I love it:  This film really gets me because I grew up in a house near the woods with lots of windows.  I have never watched it in that house because it is just too real.  This movie is less about violence and actual horror, and more about creating a simple feeling of something looming and overall unease.  When I watch The Strangers, I find myself checking behind me, just to make sure no one is there.

Scariest Moment:  The first stranger that enters the house.

Human Centipede (2011)

Why I love it:  I saw this movie on a second date.  The woman sitting in front of me left about 20 minutes in.  I had heard people were leaving the theater (which is an automatic reason to see a horror movie in my book) but this time, I actually witnessed it.  This movie is so messed up that when you turn it off, you don't feel quite right.  Could that really happen?  Would someone do that?  Cue evil laugh.

Scariest Moment:  When the doctor first explains the procedure.

The Descent (2005)

Why I love it: This movie has it all.  It has a primarily female cast.  It has adventure, horror, blood, and creatures.  Part of what is scary about this film is that it isn’t until at least halfway through the film that we are scared of these Gollum-type cave creatures.  Until then, Mother Nature is what freaks us out—walls collapsing, claustrophobia, getting lost in a cave; these elements alone are terrifying.

Scariest Moment: When the character gets stuck in one of the confined tunnels.

Saw (2004)

Why I love it:  The twist!!!  At the end, the twist gave me goose bumps.  If you don't know the twist, try to keep it that way until you watch it.  This movie (unlike some of the others in the series) had an intricate plot with a lot of unexpected character developments along the way.

Scariest Moment:  The lights don't work in his apartment so he uses a camera flash.

House on Haunted Hill (1959)

Why I love it:  This movie terrified me when I first saw it.  Could not sleep.  It is really a well-made film because it has all the classic elements of horror—fog, a stormy night, an old house, candles, and creaking doors.  The formula is perfection.  And Vincent Price?!?!  If you have never seen one of his films, this is a great one to start with.

Scariest Moment:  The woman and the rope she hung herself with.

Halloween (1978)

Why I love it:  Halloween does a great job of keeping elements of how we celebrate   Halloween present.  Kids trick-or-treating, carving pumpkins, making popcorn, leaves on the ground, babysitters letting kids watch a horror movie.  It is relatable.  This town haunted by Michael Myers could very well be your town. 

Scariest Moment:  The closet.

The Fly (1958)

Why I love it:  This movie is great because it isn’t too scary.  It is certainly dated with its special effects but at the same time, the main character is trying to hide the fact that he is becoming an insect, and therefore, means that not a lot needs to be shown.  Like in Jaws—the suggestion of what is there is much more terrifying.

Scariest Moment:  The spider web at the end. 

Psycho (1960)

Why I love it:  People often say that this movie changed the way they felt when they showered.  I am one of those people.  I actually saw the shower scene before seeing the whole film.  I was at Universal Studios and they had a behind the scenes show about Hitchcock and they showed the shower scene before explaining how it was filmed.  From that night until probably college, I locked my bathroom door when I showered.  Until high school, I locked my door and also kept the shower curtain open.  My mom would always ask why there was so much water on the floor.  I couldn't very well say, “Because that movie clip I saw 6 years ago terrified me!”  This movie holds up over time and continues to be classically scary.

Scariest Moment:  Norman Bates in his jail cell.

I hope that as you read this, there are movies on this list you haven’t seen and that this Halloween, you watch . . .if you dare.

The Great Pumpkin

As summer comes to a close and we are officially in the Fall season, our country is very much divided.  Not so much politically, or ethnically, financially or racially, but those who embrace the Pumpkin Spice craze and those who don't.  Autumn is the best for a number of reasons.  My favorite bands go on tour (Halloween is their peak season), new horror movies come out and classics get rereleased.  Eating an obnoxious amount of bite-sized candy is totally acceptable.  Halloween home décor shows up in every store and to many of us, a nice set of skull dinner napkins is appreciated 365 days a year.

And yes, yes it’s TRUE!  I also love Pumpkin and Pumpkin Spice flavored things.

In defense of this exhausted flavor, there first needs to be an understanding of the difference between Pumpkin and Pumpkin Spice. 

Pumpkin is the edible gourd that we carve in October.  Pumpkin is very similar to butternut squash (seeds, flavor, etc.).  The most common form of pumpkin that actually is used for cooking is Pumpkin puree, which comes in a can and needs to be used within a month or so of opening.  Pumpkin puree works well when added to dishes because it can provide moisture and flavor to items like bread, brownies and other baked items.  Pumpkin is said to be good for the skin, low calorie, and even may help boost your immune system.

Pumpkin Spice or Pumpkin Pie Spice or Cake Spice is a mixture of spices.  It has no Pumpkin in it.  It is referenced to as Pumpkin Pie Spice because (get read for the big reveal) it is often used in pumpkin pie!?!?!  However, a lot of Fall recipes, other than pie, may not list Pumpkin Spice as an ingredient but include all the makings of Pumpkin Spice.  Pumpkin Spice is a blend of Allspice, Nutmeg, Cinnamon, Ginger, and Clove.  How do I know this combination of five spices by heart? Because I have made my own when I could not find any at the store (a valuable skill useful on any desert island).

Pumpkin Spice, as opposed to Pumpkin itself, can be added to almost anything and it has a distinct, grandma’s homemade pie, , spicy, seasonal scent and flavor.  A PSL (Pumpkin Spice Latte at Starbucks) tastes rather fake and really does not give a great impression of what this flavor should be. 

So, I am sharing some of my pumpkin secrets.  By late August, I am stocking up on cans of Pumpkin and making sure I have at least two jars of Pumpkin Spice.  From September until December, there is not much of anything I make that does not have a Pumpkin/Pumpkin Spice influence.  Therefore, I hoard these recipes like a kid grabbing cookies of the shelves in a grocery store.  But, I must share the wealth.

First of all, I buy (every season because it is not an all year item) Pumpkin Spice Chai from David’s Tea.  It is the best and tastes great by itself, but also adding almond milk and maple syrup and some . . . .PUMPKIN SPICE to make it a homemade latte.  Not to mention, it has little pumpkin sprinkles in the tea so it makes you extra happy when brewing a cup.

See tea here:  https://www.davidstea.com/us_en/our-teas/tea-type/black/loose-leaf-tea-pumpkin-chai

Something I make (actually all year round) is Pumpkin Spice granola.  It uses Pumpkin as part of the flavor and binding agent for the granola.  It also calls for Pumpkin Spice (well, all the spices which as we learned earlier, equal Pumpkin Spice).  It makes a lot and is great as cereal in milk or on top of plain or vanilla yogurt. 

http://iowagirleats.com/2015/09/16/pumpkin-spice-chocolate-granola/

My next seasonal staple is pumpkin bread.  This also uses both Pumpkin and the Spice.  This recipe is the best because it makes two loaves (one for you and one for a friend) and you can freeze them.  I usually add chocolate chips and it is the bomb dot com.

Pumpkin Bread recipe found here (but don't forget to add chocolate chips—it is just stupid not to):  https://www.gimmesomeoven.com/classic-pumpkin-bread/

Pumpkin Spice pancakes are always delicious.  I use this recipe that uses canned Pumpkin and Pumpkin Spice.  These are fluffy and delicious.  Sur La Table sells (seasonally) pumpkin spice maple syrup so you can really get crazy.

Recipe here: https://www.averiecooks.com/2014/09/pumpkin-pancakes.html#

Once I had a little of my canned Pumpkin left and needed to use it up so I found a recipe for brownies that were actually “healthy” brownies.  They used pumpkin puree, peanut or almond butter, and cocoa as the main ingredients.  Not bad.

Healthy Brownie recipe here:  http://www.runningwithspoons.com/2016/10/15/flourless-pumpkin-brownies/

Lastly, just yesterday I made pumpkin mini muffins, which also use a blender like the brownies, and are rather healthy (no flour or butter).  These are perfect if you make them mini (only fill up 1/3-1/2 of a regular muffin tin cup if you don't have a mini muffin pan).

Mini Pumpkin Muffins here:  https://www.averiecooks.com/2017/09/mini-flourless-pumpkin-chocolate-chip-blender-muffins.html

Pumpkin Spice can be added to almost anything:  cookies, cake, lattes, roasted vegetables.  I like to roast butternut squash in maple syrup with some Pumpkin Spice sprinkled on top.  I add Pumpkin Spice to my coffee grounds when making my morning coffee. 

All of us may be a little tired of the Pumpkin craze but until you have tried the real deal, you cannot judge.  Nor can you know the magic of these flavors and this season.  Hope you find a little more room in your life for Pumpkin after reading this.  And if you don’t, that is fine too. . .more for me!