Let's All Remain Audioslaves

Wednesday night, I had the amazing privilege of seeing Metallica for the first time.  For about 14 years, I have been listening to Metallica (and after seeing them live, I see what a small droplet of time that is in their metal legacy).  It was a truly epic experience.  I was embarrassed when they came onstage, I found myself squealing like a a young girl seeing Hannah Montana in concert.

Thursday morning, I woke up tired, black eyeliner still stuck to my eyelashes, and “Master of Puppets” stuck in my head.  I rolled over and my boyfriend said “Chris Cornell died.” I was shocked but somewhat un-phased.  I feel like most news I am not too shaken by these days.  Crazy guy drives car into numerous pedestrians in Times Square . . . .can I get that with soy milk?

I immediately googled "Chris Cornell" and it was true, he had indeed died.  Cause of death: unknown.

The first thing that came to mind was “Part of Me,”  one of Cornell’s solo project singles featuring Timbaland (yup, Timbaland).  I still love that song and enjoy listening to it, but always find myself also asking “What the Hell is going on here?”  But no matter.

The second thing I thought of was Audioslave.  In 2002, Chris Cornell and Audioslave released their first self-titled album.  And I was OBSESSED!  I remember hearing “Cochise” one morning and it was like the rock gods had opened up the skies and released a rain shower of musical sound.  This album was everything.   I have many songs/albums/artists that I tend to listen to in the summer—I think a lot of us do if we really think about it.  This album is one of those summer albums.  “Like a Stone” has been and will always be one of my go-to summer tracks.  The freedom and longing in the song matches a drive by the beach or lazy summer morning like no other.

I must be honest here, I never listened to Soundgarden.  In the early 90s, I was still pretty young and had not reached my rock phase yet.  I still find myself just discovering grunge in bits and pieces over 20 years later.  Even so, I am actually very sad to hear of Cornell’s passing.  His music was a soundtrack to a time in my life that was very free, spirited, and hopeful.  His voice takes me back to summers during college.  Even now, there is a listless calm that I feel when I listen to his voice.  And to know that he is gone and I won't have a chance to see him live or hear new music from his is very sad.  Cornell is one of those original voices that you just cant replicate and we wont have anything like it again.
 
As I said, I feel like a an awful fraud writing this and not having listened to much Soundgarden.  So while I am owning that, I have to say that I will always have a special place in my rock heart for Chris Cornell.

And when you wanted me
I came to you
And when you wanted someone else
I withdrew
And when you asked for a light
I set myself on fire
And if I go far away I know
You'll find another slave

Cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are

And when you wanted blood
I cut my veins
And when you wanted love
I bled myself again
Now that I've had my fill of you
I'll give you up forever
And here I go far away
I know you'll find another slave

Cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are

Then a vision came to me
When you came along
I gave you everything
But then you wanted more

~ "What You Are" Audioslave (written by Chris Cornell)

I'm Back

I can't tell you how many drafts I have started and stopped since taking a short break from this blog.  So many saved and unsaved random documents out in the virtual universe.  So I have made a commitment that whatever I write at this point is what I am going to post.  Here it is:

The first thing that comes to mind is that I will be seeing Metallica in concert for the first time, two weeks from today.  The second thing that comes to mind is that I have been listening to almost exclusively hip hop and rap for the last month or so (since last writing my blog post about Marilyn Manson NOT releasing his album).  

Perhaps it is just despite him that I made this current change.  I have had it with goth and metal gods toying with me on social media and I finally said "FUCK IT" and moved on . . . only temporarily of course.

Less than a week after this disappointment, Kendrick Lamar released "Humble," the second single released before his big album, DAMN.  So, I started listening to that.  This is following a recent Hip Hop Yoga class featuring Kendrick so I pretty much just added "Humble" into my daily mix of:

"Man of the Year" ScHoolboy Q
"untitled 07 I Levitate" Kendrick Lamar
"Trap Trap Trap" Rick Ross
"digging for windows" Zack De La Rocha

Kendrick's album came out the day after my birthday (accident? I don't think so), so when I woke up to use the bathroom at 2:00 AM, I took the opportunity to pre-download the album so it was all ready for listening in the morning.  

The album is pretty amazing so there hasn't really been room for anything else.  "DNA." is without a doubt, the best song on the album.  I always like the heavier, more aggressive rap so this song just satisfies every musical need I could want.

Other good tracks (that I listen to in-between "DNA.") are "ELEMENT." and "LOVE."
I was stocked to head back to Hip Hop Yoga as they hosted a class in honor of the release of  DAMN. but I got a cold that same day and had to miss out.

My weekly suggested tracks on Spotify were evolving with my listening choices and they started to feature much less rock and almost exclusively hip hop and rap.  One song caught my ear and I was shocked to see it was Desiigner!  You know, the Panda guy?  The Future sound-a-like?

"Timmy Turner" is such a darker, melancholy side to rap.  It is so unique, I just can't get enough.  In fact, today a car drove by that was blasting the song and in response, I screamed and ran to the open window of my office (I am on the 6th floor) and enjoyed the track from a distance before the car drove to the next block.  In the process, I also confused many of my coworkers.

With my openness to all things hip hop, I decided to integrate some female artists into my repertoire.  Nicki Minaj's "No Frauds" did the trick.  Going back a bit with "Truffle Butter" and happily having Lil' Wayne on both of these songs lightens the mood a little after my insistent listening to "Timmy Turner."

That all being said, just because I was not writing, does NOT mean i was not listening.  And yes, I still follow Marilyn Manson's every move and see his, now weekly, Instagram posts that are now just more aggravating and upsetting than anything else.  AND, not only am I seeing Metallica in two weeks, I am seeing Kendrick Lamar in July.

Rather than fight this change in preference of music, I am enjoying it as one of many musical phases I enjoy going through.  And is it so horrible to be a hoe and turn up before 10 AM on a Saturday, listening to Migos?  No.  No it's not.

Stay humble.

A Letter

Dear Marilyn Manson,

Am I the only one who is wondering where your new album is?  Honestly, it was scheduled to be released on on Valentine’s Day.  February 14^th, 2017.  That was over a month ago.  As each week goes by and I look at music blogs and metal blogs, and they talk about new music coming out, there isn’t a WORD as to where the Hell SAY10 is.

No tracks available anywhere, just the teaser of a track and a music video.  But that was months ago.  That was 2016!  That was before Trump was elected!?!?!

No one seems to be asking this question.  Well I am!  What is the hold up?  Is something going on, keeping this album from being released?  No social media communication from you in weeks.  What is the deal?!?!  And why is no one else wondering?  Am I the only one that had it on my calendar to expect to download new music on February 14^th? 

I FEEL LIKE I AM TAKING CRAZY PILLS?!?!?

Needless to say, I am very disappointed.  This is a huge letdown and a lot of build up to nothing.  Are you releasing an album this year or not?  If you are, then when?  Because right now, you are just a liar, releasing the news that SAY10 was coming out in 2017.  And I didn’t think it was right that you got beat up at Denny’s but if this album doesn’t come out soon, I might not feel so bad for you. 

Stop toying with my emotions and release this album. 

Thank you so much!

Sincerely,

Nicole

All My Life I Want Money and Power

I've done the Metal yoga thing and that was great!  What’s next?

Hip Hop yoga, obviously!

On Wednesday, I took a Hip Hop yoga class: Kendrick Lamar versus ScHoolboy Q.  I figured it was something worth trying and had no idea what to expect.  The room was candlelit and at least 80 degrees.  The music was a mix of Kendrick, ScHoolboy, and some more Zen yoga tunes played at the beginning and end of class. 

Each sequence of class consisted of three rounds: first doing the “flow” on the right, next on the left, and then the instructor would blast the music and we were to do the sequences on our own with no instruction until she told us to stop. 

The difference with this class and the Metal class was at Metal yoga, the music was a backdrop to the class, a minor detail.  At this class, the music was the focal point.  The class was really all about losing yourself in the music.

The first blast was to “Backseat Freestyle” and I was like yessssssss.  Luckily the class was candlelit so no one could see me lip singing "Kendrick had a dream!" nor could they see a little booty bounce on my warrior one.

I am very VERY particular about the Rap and Hip Hop that I listen to.  When I am amongst other people and Hip Hop is playing, it doesn’t really matter what it is.  However, when it comes to the Hip Hop music I select to listen to on my own time, it has to be worth it.  I don’t have many rap albums I listen to all the way through and very few artists that I respect and would care enough to see them in concert.

Kendrick Lamar is something special.  You hear the emotion, the anger, and the intellect in his music. And though I didn’t really know ScHoolboy Q (apparently I saw him at Austin City Limits and was a fan) I really enjoy his music too.  I suppose most Hip Hop I feel I can’t relate to.  When Future is rapping about fucking up some commas, I can’t relate at all.  I can barely afford rent, buddy!  And when Rick Ross is rapping about throwing dollar bills at strippers I  . . . .

Anyway, I find Metal much more relatable.  I haven’t bought a Cadillac but have I felt fucked—shit out of luck?  You bet I have!  But there are those gems of rappers and Hip Hop artists that have it.  They have all the bling and flash but still keep themselves at our level.  Kendrick is one of those rappers.  #Respect

As my big passion is music, after most fitness classes, I look up the instructor on Spotify and see if they have a profile and public playlists.  Here is the playlist from class.  Hope you enjoy.

Free Hugs

Sometimes things affect you differently than you would expect.  For example, when I had Metallica general admission tickets in my shopping cart and then I lost them, I did not expect to cry . . . but I did.

Some things that you think will upset you, actually don't, and then other things that you don't think will upset you, actually do.  When life events, big or small, come up and someone else is upset, hurt, angry, sad, I am not initially sure how to handle it.  Over the years, I have figured out my approach which is treat someone how I would want to be treated.  How would I want someone to treat me in this situation?  And then I do that.  How I deal with pain and sadness is probably different than a lot.  When I am really upset, I need space but I also really need comfort.  

I remember when I broke up with my first boyfriend.  I did it in our living room and then he reluctantly left.  When I walked upstairs to bed, my parents were still up so I went into their room and just started crying.  I didn't expect that reaction because it was my choice to end the relationship, and it was a long time coming, but I truly could barely speak.  My mom was confused and asked me what had happened, did I regret what I did, isn't this what I wanted, etc.  My dad just came over and hugged me.  He didn’t ask any questions or try to understand the situation, just gave me some much needed comfort.

I often look back at this time and use it as an example of how to handle someone who is upset or going through something.  When faced with sadness, my instinct is to hug or offer a hug.  Sometimes people want it and sometimes people don't.  When Hilary Clinton lost to Donald Trump in last year's election, I was crying at my desk and a coworker came over and gave me a hug.  It was exactly what I needed.

Hugs let you hide a little. Remember when you were a kid and you made a fort under blankets or under your desk?  It was a comfort to hide and kind of disappear.  That is what a hug is for me as an adult.  A brief shelter from the storm that is adult life.  

I used to work with a girl that I hated.  I don’t work with her anymore but I still hate her, by the way.  She was dealing with some family things and I saw she was in her office on the brink of tears.  Despite my feelings towards her, I walked into her office and asked "do you need a hug."  Her response was a surprising "yah" and I hugged her.  I comforted that bitch during that tough time.

I never have discounted the importance of a hug.  It is such a basic thing and certainly there are people that don’t enjoy hugging or being hugged.  Feeling someone close to you in a physical sense is one of the most significant natural remedies and methods of healing.  It is something to be done when you are unsure what else you can do.

If you are feeling like you may need a hug and don’t know where you can get one, enjoy my playlist full of melancholy, soothing, dreary tunes to embrace the sadness until you find your hug.

Don't Shop, Don't Work, Don't Talk

As I write this, it is International Women's Day. There is a lot happening on this day.  A lot of girl power and strength in numbers and fighting back and the like. What really struck me was the A Day Without A Woman initiative.  Protests and action items laid out for women to make notice of how the world would be without women for a day.  Women aren't shopping, they are not going to work; they are trying to be out of the picture for 24 hours. 


All day I was going back and forth about it.  Mostly because when all is said and done, I am not behind this movement.  (And secondly because I had to buy my lunch).  This whole thing reminded me of when a girl is mad at her boyfriend and she won't tell him why or say she is mad, but instead, she passive aggressively gives him the silent treatment, ignores him, doesn't give him the time of day. 


This is not effective. The guy can chill and relax and not deal with the argument and the girl can maintain her enraged state of being (as we often like to do). 


When I started really taking some time to think about this idea of women not spending and not going to work, it became clear that I was so NOT on board. If anything, we should be spending that money that we earned ourselves.  We should be celebrating each other for being women.  We should be spending our money on things that celebrate us as women--art, culture, fashion, food, literature.  We should not take work off but celebrate that we CAN work and that we are earning our own money.  


To be silent and be "without" women for a day goes against everything feminists and those fighting for women's rights are trying to do.  We must be as present as possible and support as many women as possible.  Sitting back to not spend or not work, that is almost like not voting. We fought for our right to vote.  What's next, not wearing pants???

When we look to make changes in the world, action is required.  Trying to prove a point by being silent to it just allows for that something to continue.  So, even though it is not International Women's Day anymore, tell a strong woman that you love her, support female-owned businesses, and if you are a woman, GOD DAMN GIRL, HAVE A GLASS OF WINE!

Like, do you know what I mean?

I am not a basic bitch.  I am very aware of what it takes to be one and I do work extensively on keeping myself from being one.  I do, however, have numerous basic bitch tendencies.  For example, I go to yoga very often . . . in Tribeca.  I enjoy pumpkin spice flavored EVERYTHING (except the PSL—that is just one step too far).  I like scented candles; I like Rosé in the summer. 

One of my favorite basic bitch tendencies is overnight oats.  I LOVE overnight oats.  I make overnight oats almost every night for the next morning.  I add peanut butter, or berries, or flax seed or wheat germ, or honey.  I use almond milk (to make it extra basic bitch) and often assemble my overnight oats in a mason jar (to peak my basic-o-meter).

It has become fairly clear that my dedication to this balanced breakfast choice is the most telling feature of the fact that I am 30.  When I am out on a weeknight and as the minutes go by, my biggest concern is . . .

I have to get home to make my overnight oats!!!!

In all seriousness, it is a nightly routine that cannot be disrupted.  I am 30 and my dedication to my food prep screams “I AM 30.”  I went to a concert on Wednesday this week.  It was a school night but I was out until almost midnight.  Even after 4 cocktails and 4 different DJs, I wobbled back and forth in front of my kitchen counter and assembled my overnight oats before collapsing into bed. 

I was giving advice to a friend this week (not a common occurrence but hey, she asked) and a lot of what I was saying was things I need to say to myself.  Fixating in trouble areas of my life will consume me.  Then all that energy is being wasted when it could be directed towards all the positives I have in my life.  It is amazing how when I refocus, so does everything else.  When can you take the time to adjust your focus and re-stabilize yourself, you ask?  Making your overnight oats.  Duh!!!

I have mentioned before that a focus for this year is positivity, being open, and being more balanced.  Using less of my energy to focus on unimportant things and putting that energy to better use. Perhaps this overnight oats-making helps with this balance and takes me from a high level of crazy to a more open, peaceful version of myself.  I think we can all agree that the less crazy me is better.

In lieu of my favorite breakfast treat, enjoy my Overnight Oats playlist.

And also, please enjoy my favorite recipe:

Basic Bitch Oats

½ cup unsweetened milk

½ cup old-fashioned oats

1 ½ tablespoons nut butter

1 teaspoon wheat germ

1 tablespoon chia seeds

Mix all ingredients in a mason jar, cover and leave in fridge overnight.  Enjoy the next morning (UGG boots optional)